Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The (Fake) Live Opening Day Blog

5:10am: My son wakes up crying as my wife and I both pretend we don't hear him. She blinks first, I roll back over.

5:40am: I wake up when the wife is going upstairs to shower and put the boy back to bed. I fleetingly remember there's something I wanted to get up for, but roll back over and pretend to sleep some more.

5:45am: I remember what I'm supposed to get up for, but say, "The hell with it...I'll catch it in the third."

5:46am: I get up and go upstairs.

5:47am: The wife tells me I'm crazy, as it pertains to baseball, for the first time this season. I think that sets a new record for earliest accusation of that in a season (or a morning, for that matter.)

5:50am: I am half-asleep on the couch with ESPN2 HD on, curled up under a warm fleece blanket with my Ellsbury shirt on and my cap on the coffee table. Odds of me being awake for the first pitch: 10-1 against.

6:08am: In a stunning upset, I'm upright in the recliner now, still under the blanket, with my cap on for the first pitch.

6:15am: The wife just shakes her head as she passes through the kitchen.

6:20am (or so; really, I'm just making up these times...): I quietly call Dice one of the most overrated pitchers in baseball for the first time this year. The record book will continue to be rewritten as the morning goes on.

6:30am: My daughter wakes up crying. I immediately get her up and ask her if she's ready to put on her new Red Sox cheerleader dress. She immediately says no and curls up on the couch underneath the blanket I've been using. Now my feet are cold and we're down a quick 2-zip.

6:45am: My son wakes up again and, lacking the ability to really say much, puts up little argument when I hustle him into his Red Sox sweatsuit. He seems more into it...I get him some breakfast and finally put some coffee on for me.

7:05am: First attempt at calling my dad's cell phone, forgetting that my parents are in the Catskills for some reason. My mother answers and immediately asks, "What's wrong?" Definitive proof I'm not known as a morning person...

7:15am: First regular season Red Sox text message to Kimmy goes unanswered. She still must be sleeping. I'm sort of jealous.

7:20am: I'm down in the basement now, as the only way to silence my daughter whining over the game was to put on her cartoons and move my base of operations...

8:05am: Manny doubles in two to tie the game as my wife calls right in the middle of the rally...I come upstairs to get reception, go back downstairs and it's 3-2 Sox. Wha happen?

8:15am: My dad calls back, saving me from seeing K-Snyd cough up the lead in Chad Fox-ian fashion...

8:45am: My daughter finally bends to my will and becomes the smallest, blondest cheerleader the Red Sox have never had...I take some obscenely cute pictures of my two Sox-clad kids together which I won't post here for two reasons: 1. My wife would kill me for making our kids potential prey of internet predators and B. You'd probably throw up at how cute they look. Your loss...

9:08am: The first regular season Red Sox test message from Kimmy is received; she's finally up. I send her one of the kid pics; I'm fairly certain she's not an internet-based sexual predator.

9:12am: I'm on my fourth cup of coffee and Brandon Moss jacks one to right...gone! Tie game! My son is forced to high-five me for reasons he neither understands, nor appreciates.

9:25am: Looks like we're going to extras...nice job by Oki...

9:40am: The newly "refocused" Manny somehow manages to slide into second with a two-run double despite signing a month-to-month lease to stay at home plate for awhile after driving the ball to the gap...four ribbies for Manny and he's barely broken a sweat or a dread...

9:50am: My father-in-law asks, "Is this live?" Cause I always get up at quarter to six to watch games on tape delay...

9:58am: Kimmy sends the obligatory, "Only 161 more heart attacks to go..." message as I'm giving my father the recap. Apparently TV has yet to hit the Catskills...

10:01am: How did I used up two battery bars on my cellphone in three hours and sixteen minutes?

11:30am: I finish writing fake live blog. Both kids are napping. I'm going to bed...