Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Drugs and Kittens

To the rest of the NFL and its fans:

The Patriots are not going to lose this year. They will finish the season unbeaten. Not a mark in the "L" column shall besmirch their fine name. Nary a competitor this year will walk off the gridiron with a smile upon his mud-speckled face. None's tally of points shall best that of our beloved, Flying Elvis-clad footballers. Say it as modern or old-timey as you want to, the fact remains thus: The Pats are goin' 19-0, yo.

Fate and karma and superstition be damned, I'm gonna enjoy this ride. I'm gonna tell anybody who will listen that this team ain't losing. I refuse to hide behind the cloak of sportsmanship or the guise of sports-fan-prudence on this one. I'm gonna squawk long and loud and most forcefully to those who said the Patriots' prior championships are tainted, and I'm going to root for the Pats to mercilessly and metaphorically sweep the leg of anyone who dares cross their path, either by choice or by NFL-mandated scheduling. I want to beat everybody by 50 points, not shake their hands and tell the papers later that they were the softest team we've played yet. I want Brady and Moss to own the record books and I want Coach Bill to hoist the Super Bowl trophy in his hands, turn to Phil Simms and Jim Nantz, and say, "This one's for you, you sanctimonius, Colts-ass-kissing, sons-a-bitches...this one's for all of you..."

In the words of The Beltones, "I wanna pay back all you jealous souls, and when I'm done you motherfuckers will all be through, yeah..." I want all this to happen to reward all the hypocritical teams, fans, announcers, journalists, pundits and talking heads who beat the Pats down for the videotaping while refusing to acknowledge that every team in the league cheats in some way. Dome teams pipe in noise, some teams set financial rewards for hurting opponents, some teams steal signals, some teams are steroid factories, somewhere, some way, everyone is doing something to get ahead. We got caught; the rest of you are lucky you didn't. And yet you still jumped on us, throwing fire from your igloos (I'm sick of "the people in glass houses..." bit). Well, I'm sick of listening to all of you, and everybody like you. I want the Pats to go 19-0 and grind the rest of the league into submission under the tips of our detachable cleats.

Just for the rest of this season, I'm gonna be the asshole Pats fan you don't want to meet in a bar. I'm gonna be that guy (except to my wife on December 8, 9 and 10). I'm the guy telling everybody that will listen that Chris Hanson, through 10 games, DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH PUNTS TO QUALIFY ON THE LEAGUE LEADER BOARD. That's the stat of the day, and I've got a million more like them. I moved to Pittsburgh and I plan to make myself the most insufferable bastard my Steeler-fan co-workers have ever seen. I want them to tell their significant others, when they get home at the end of the day, about the most obnoxious fan they've ever met. Only then will they understand what I, and every Pats fan I know, has had to deal with since that story broke. Then, as Ian once said, "We'll look back and laugh." Laughing season starts February 4.

Ok. Whew. I've had that rant in me for a few months now, so it's nice to let it out. Have a nice Thanksgiving everybody!


Anonymous Big Ry said...

Oh, don't you are already by far the most obnoxious fan I've ever met, and will probably ever meet. Ever.

9:16 AM  

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