Sunday, November 25, 2007

Ignoring the Small Black Edible Bird

Ok. I agree with some of the concerns/jokes that have been voiced to me regarding the aggressive tenor of my last post. (No, I don't.) One old friend likened it to a suicide-esque note left by trench coat wearing, high school Pats fan. Another called that post "The Football Diaries." So, I agree that perhaps its tone was a little over-the-top, but it got people talking. What I've done is going to be puzzled over and studied and followed... forever. Ok, just kidding about that last part. (No, I'm not.) Not that anyone got it anyway...

Seriously, though, I have begun to wonder how all the Sox fans in NYC do it...I've been a Pats fan in Pittsburgh for barely two months and man, it sucks. Old ladies at the grocery store will "accidentally" bang their cart into yours just because you have a Brady jersey on in the fifth week of the season. People will flip you off from behind in traffic because you have a Pats sticker in your window. As soon as people find out your a Pats fan, there's a whole change in their tone, demeanor, body language, etc. Women clutch their purses tighter when you walk by with a Flying Elvis on your cap. And everybody is so unoriginal. I've had this conversation, exactly this same conversation, about 150 times since I got here:

Them: "So, if you don't like them Stillers, who do you like?"
Me: "Ummm...actually, the Patriots..."
Them: "Serious? Shit, are you videotaping this whole conversation?"
Me: (silence)
Me: (rolls eyes)
Me: (instantly wonders how closely they're related to their wife)
Me: (starts to think about saying something like, "Yeah, I am. Just like I videotaped you having sex with your sister...")
Me: (starts to think that'd be a pretty crass, and possibly dangerous, thing for me to say)
Me: (wonders about the irony of me stereotyping them while they are stereotyping my football team)
Me: (wonders if this person staring dumbly at me knows what "irony" means)
Them: "Yeah! You probably are!"

So that conversation is getting pretty old, that's my point. And I start to think that they treat me the same way I used to treat Yankees fans. With disdain, mixed with a tinge of jealousy at their success. The Steelers, in their last three really meaningful games against the Pats, are 0-3. They hate our dominance, our ubiquitous media presence, our pretty boy superstar, our increasingly brazen and obnoxious fans, the whole shebang. Sound familiar? So from that angle, I get why some idiot announcers, writers, etc. have begun referring to the Pats as the Yankees of the NFL. (No, I don't.) I think it's a pretty baseless accusation for the most part, and see little similarity in the two teams/fanbases, but I do understand why some people might think that. After reading my last post, I'd hate me, too. (No, I wouldn't.)

So, I stand by the sentiments of my last post. Actually I stand by the bombast and exaggeration and parody of a crazy sports nut. (It wasn't parody.) I am an obnoxious sports fan. Ask my wife. Ask Big Ry about obnoxious. (He'd know.) And it's not just the winning. I've always been an obnoxious sports fan. It's just something I take way too seriously. I'm obnoxious about the Sox, Pats and Maryland basketball. I can't be rationale about it, and believe me, I've tried. I don't beat my wife when we lose, but I've been known to throw things, yell and scream, curse, spew comments in questionable taste about a person's gender, sexuality or possible Germanic relationship to the pee-hole. I'm not as superstitious as I used to be, but now I'm just superstitious about not being superstitious because I worry that by being superstitious I will fuck up the game. As my wife is forever prone to say, it's just a game. And it is. I get that. (I don't.)

Nobody likes their integrity, or that of something or someone they care deeply about, questioned. It makes you mad. And you say dumb things, and rant and rave like an idiot about something that's just a game. (It's not.) This isn't black vs. white, Arab vs. Jew, color-blind people vs. color, etc. It's Steelers vs. Patriots. Everybody just needs to calm down a notch. (I do.) That said, Fuck you, Pittsburgh. (Fuck you, Pittsburgh.)


Blogger Jere said...

The difference between what you're talking about and dealing with Yankee fans is that Yankee fans, even when they're losing, know that their team has and will most likely for the rest of their lives have the most championships. So they can always fall back on that. Growing up in the 80s, my hatred of the Yanks was the same as it was now. Because even in that "down decade" (in which they STILL had the best overall record over those ten years, I think), they'd see my Sox hat and laugh at me. Imagine if the Pats started losing and the Steelers won the next few Super Bowls, but you somehow knew that you could still make fun of them in the long run. It doesn't work that way in real life (aka outside the minds of Yankee fans)--it should be whoever's done better recently gets the bragging rights.

Another thing is that I found it harder living in Fairfield County (28 years) than I did in NYC (2 yrs) as a Sox fan. Because NYC has all the New Englanders who move there just because it's NYC. Whereas Fairfield is pretty much old NYers who moved out to the burbs or NYC commuters. So in the heart of NYC you've actually got more friendlies. Plus, another thing unique about it is how NYC is a multi-team city in every sport. So you're always gonna have half the people rooting against one of the team that you also hate.

Anyway, I should've bet on the EFagles (decabet joke) last week. Pats were the biggest favorite in point-spread history. And they almost lost on the field. So, I guess you think they're going undefeated. We'll see. You never know, they could just lose by a fluke, or maybe if the Yanks get Santana, Brady will be all psyched and lose focus, ha. But it would be funny to see them beat the Fish, and have them go 0-16 and the Pats have an undefeated season. I think in that case, the '72 Dolphins would all get together and shoot each other at the same time like at the end of Reservoir Dogs. Or do that thing where you masturbate while strangling yourself with a bag on your head or whatever and then all die at once.

3:22 PM  
Blogger MattySox said...

All fair and well-spoken points. And to quote Bill Simmons (who I know Jere dislikes), "Yes, folks, these are my readers..."

5:41 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

Yeah but did you get the decabet joke?

4:56 PM  
Anonymous The Gooch said...

Just want to see what happens when I choose "nickname."

4:56 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

13:41 left, Pats down 7 with ball. As a neutral observinator I can look at this from both sides. (Granted, I almost always find myself rooting against the Pats, but I never have rooted for them in my life, so that makes sense, and them winning a million SBs doesn't exactly make me MORE likely to root for them.) Whoa, big return. Amyway, if I'm a Pats fan, I'm not too worried (unless I did a really long post saying how they definitely won't lose for like the next hundred years or whatever, ha), because they often look dead, only to somehow pull it out, look back and say, There was never a doubt--anybody else? But then I would also not be too worried in general because the division's wrapped up, and these games don't matter (except to avoid an elderly Dolphin circle jerk). Then again again, I might be worried that the Pats have been in battles with teams they're multiple TD favorites over twice in a row. Then again again again, the playoffs are the only thing that matters.

And if I'm a Raven fan--eh, who am I kidding, this is all about the Pats. But generally speaking, it would certainly seem like the Ravens should hold on. (If they were playing the average team, which they totally aren't.) A key INT returned for a TD and we're tied. A 30-yard catch right now and it's a 14-point game. We shall see.

11:00 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

And as that's posting, it's a mix of the two: a 30 yard toss to the end zone, picked off. Stupid Ravens couldn't try to to set up for a FG that woulda made it 10. So, it's still a game....

11:01 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

Okay, 24-20, Balt punts it away, and it's a "here, do you guys want really good field position?" kick. Now Pats inside 40. So, I'm already wondering if you're gonna be hearing, "Oh they gave it to you." Because, again, I am neutral, I guess, but, seriously, there's some TJs going on by the Ravens which the announcers seem to be ignoring. But I'm sure you can say there are Pats goods that are leading to Raven bads. But I'm not watchind THAT closely. But I do know this. The Pats just held.

Weak! Weak move by the Yankee fan. Can he not run at all? That was weird. Results in illegal man downfield anyway. They're going backward. Declined. 3rd down. It's 4-down territory I'm sure. Here we go...

Incomplete. Looked bad again. Punting? Oh yeah, there is still over 5 to play. The more I watch, the more I sense a HUGE Raven goof on the way....

11:18 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

I totally woulda gone for it on 4th and long. Chances are you're giving it to them on the 20 anyway, ended up a 15 yard punt. Now the Pats need a big 3rd down stop, 4 mins to play, down 4.

11:20 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

Stopped. Ravens will punt. Pats will go for the winning drive. I say the Pats score in like 53 seconds somehow.

11:21 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

Wow, that incompletion was Immaculate Reception-esque. Now Pats to midfield. Ray Lewis shown. Didn't he kill somebody? Ouch, stabbed by Faulk there. Now Faulk gets one. At least I think that's who it is. They still have that guy? 2-min warn.

11:25 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

Big 3rd down. A yard shy. Stabbed by Faulke.

And there's your major goof... Ravens call timeout costing themselves a definite win. Wow. I mean, not wow.

Now you'll definitely hear "they gave it to you."

11:29 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

False start. This is good for Pats, now they can throw, which they should've been doing anyway.

11:30 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

And Brady runs for it. Wow again. Kim enters room, claims to be a fan of this squad but not big on actually watching. Nearly stabbed by Faulk there. Now they can just score with 0:01. Ooh, I want laterals on ensuing KO. But getting ahead---oh! Ravens had a shot to pick that out of air. So.... yeah, come one Kim, you can't watch this one play? She's busy soapmaking. Okay, here we go---All the time in the world, Ravens musta had great coverage there.

FOURTH DOWN---- I call for Kim, will she enter? Yes, now claims, "I don't think the Patriots are gonna win this one." Now cat reaches up, goes on two legs and snags her butt with claw. This is presure cooker time, folks.

11:34 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

Defensive penalty, amazing! What a game! Well, I only watched the 2nd half. Now Pats real close, need a TD. 50 seconds.

Touch effing down! I'm now explaining to Kim about how the Ravens seem to be a Little League team. And she says, Well they deserve to lose, and she's right. I told her of "the timeout." I said it'd be like a hitter blasting a dong over the Monster but having called timeout before the swing, negating the HR.

Confirmed--a TD after replay. 30 yards of penalties on the kickoff? They're gonna be kicking off from beneath the Ravens' goalpost. The Ravens will have to start in the parking lot. Good night, as that guy said on Simpsons when he found out Sonny was a senator and Cher's a movie star

11:40 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

Wow, didn't realize 44 seconds left.

That was awesome! The guy throwing the flag. Real funny. That's what I'd do if some ref called a foul on me. Only if we were up 30, though. And I was a different man. This is the funniest kickoff ever. Kick it out of the stadium! Do it!

Wuss! Front row? I'd have at least reached the upper deck. Only chance he'll ever get. we go.

1st: up to the 33.

1st: up to 44. Timeout. Maybe they could kick an 80 yard FG but call timeout right before the snap.

1st: Pats TO. I bet the Ravens get into FG range, and then the kick hits the goal post. Or they don't get the snap off in time or something.

Holy crap--dangerous, as it bounces off Pats guy. That's why you knock it down, son, don't try to catch it and get on SportsCenter.

So, final play: Ho. Ly. Shit. They catch the fucking ball on the one yard line. End of game. Okay, three yard line. My prediction of them falling just short is right. Wow, what a game. I mean second half. That's the type of game where A-Rod makes some kind of announcement in the middle.

No Fish-fry tonight.

My dad is psyched right now. LSU somehow makes Nat Champ game, Pats win amazingly.

11:50 PM  
Blogger Jere said...

Wow, the highlight package was like 10 minutes long and equally awesome. That was really an amazing finish overall. I will remember this game.

11:59 PM  
Blogger MattySox said...

Decabet? EFagles? EF Hutton? Wha?

12:05 AM  
Blogger Jere said...

Aykroyd. The metric alphabet. EF is one letter. Example: EFagles.

Wow, TJ by the Yankee guy, running off the podium.

12:12 AM  

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