Friday, May 11, 2007

Harry Potter and the Hamster

A list of eight people, in no particular order, who sucked in tonight's game against the Lord Baltimorts...

1. Wily Mo Pena. Ok. I lied. Obviously Willie goes in a very particular order on this list. Watching him play the outfield is like watching an epileptic hamster off his meds and on the bottle try to navigate a butter-slicked running wheel that's been set on fire.

2. Third Base Umpire Guy. You know why he's on this list. He, on the other hand, would probably look at this blog and tell you it's a reuben sandwich. That's apparently how closely he pays attention to anything.

3. Home Plate Umpire Guy. The strike zone ends at the knees, not the calves. Check the rule book.

4. Buck Martinez. Or should I say Buck MAR-tinez. If you saw the MASN broadcast, you know what I mean. Right, David OR-tiz?

5. Gary Thorne. From calling Willie Mo, "Carlos Pena" (not that Willie's one pitch first at-bat gave Thorne any time to correct himself) to about a half dozen factual inaccuracies, many involving stats currently being displayed by his employer on my tv, well, let's say he didn't redeem himself any in my book.

6. The Fenway fans. Waves are not good luck charms. They should not be started, nor participated in so gleefully, down 5-2. You just look like idiots. Also, to the folks in the Kap row who left with two down in the ninth, you suck. And to the four idiots who raced down from row four to take the abandoned row one seats, you suck, too. Don't be so greedy.

7. Any Red Sox player batting with the bases loaded. And Julio Lugo all the time. Not my favorite by any means.

8. Miguel Tejada. He Jeter-ized two liners at short. Pulling your legs up to your waist does not fool me into thinking you're Ozzie Smith when I can clearly see that the ball is never more than six inches over your head. You're not gonna win a gold glove doing that; the guy you learned it from will steal that gold glove.

A list of people who didn't suck in tonight's game...

1. My wife. For toughing out seven innings on the couch with a Harry Potter book paying no attention to the game at all, while suffering through the second day of a brutal case of hives, then finally asking me upon hearing Dustin Pedroia's name in the fifth inning, "You hate that guy, right?" Which was quickly followed up by Seizure the Wonder Hamster missing that sinking liner in right, causing me to grit my teeth and say, "No, I hate that guy."

2. Dusting Pedroia. Sparkling defense tonight. If he keeps doing that and can hit .250, you'll start seeing a lot of number 15 shirts around the Fens.

3. Me. I managed to watch the whole game and find time for E! who was showing two consecutive Lindsay Lohan hosted SNL's. Didn't miss a thing except for Lugo getting picked off first after the pitching change, but really, that wasn't my fault. It was during the "Hermione's got boobs" Harry Potter sketch featuring Lohan in a skimpy Gryfindoor uniform.

4. The good folks at Green Flash Brewing Company in Whale's Vagina, California. When the Sox lose games I watch on tv, I like to give credit to anything that made it easier to watch. Tonight, it was GF's West Coast IPA. You stay hoppy, San Diego.


Anonymous Muse said...

Whew! I'm glad I didn't suck! But these hives sure do...

1:13 PM  
Anonymous Ernie said...

I blame last night on the fact that I'm wearing my Dale Jr cap these days. The Sox are just going to have to find a way to win without me wearing my lucky Sox cap on a daily basis. Sometimes I gotta show some other folks some love too.

7:37 PM  
Anonymous Elltorreag said...

This is easily the most boring blog I can ever remember reading.

Honest question, and I don't say this (unlike my first line) to be rude or cruel, but- why are you doing this? What part of this do you consider entertaining or informative in any way? Why do we need Another Red Sox Blog in this universe?

10:20 PM  
Anonymous ry said...

I'm gonna give 3 Ry's for not only mentioning Harry Potter more than once but for actually putting him in your header....what are you, 12?

7:28 AM  
Blogger MattySox said...

Considering how many blogs are on the internet, I highly doubt this is the most five maybe, but the most boring? Come on... obviously this eltorreag person has so much to say on their own that they must have their own wildly interesting and informative site...oh wait, I guess not. Thanks for stopping by...It was my pleasure to waste your time.

8:30 AM  
Anonymous elltorreag said...

I don't have my own because I've recognized in my self that I don't have anything interesting enough to say on that level to put boring tripe out into the world on a consistent basis.

I didn't say it was the most boring blog period, though it may definitely be that, just the most boring I can recall reading.

Your blog is not-
a) funny
b) informative
c) unique
d) clever

It just... is. I just wonder why so many people spend time putting blogs like this together, honestly.

11:46 AM  
Anonymous Muse said...

Hey Elltorreag, If you dislike this blog so much, quit reading it. No one is forcing you to come here. Blogs are just a forum for individuals to record their personal thoughts and share with friends and reminisce on them later. No harm done.

you on the other hand seem to be using other people's blogs to feed your trollish nature and frankly it's disgusting.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous elltorreag said...

I'm not "reading" it. I "read" it, and am now on to "commenting" on it.

Just asking the operator a question.

"Disgusting"? Seriously?

2:54 PM  
Blogger MattySox said...

No dude or dudette, it's not disgusting to me; what it is, though, is pathetic. You visited the site, thought it was boring and uninformative, but instead of just clicking away and getting on with your presumably dreary, mundane existence, you felt the need to dump on me.

You're a person who's "recognized in [your] self that [you] don't have anything interesting enough to say." Good for you. That's pretty evident to the rest of us, too.

I don't write my blog so that you, or anyone else, can find it to be "informative, unique, clever or funny." I write about things that strike ME as being entertaining or noteworthy TO ME. I assume a lot of people who visit here don't get my sense of humor, or are looking for in-depth, informative analysis and, when they don't find it here, quietly find it somewhere else.

In almost a year of doing this, you are the first person who felt the need, not only to rudely put down this blog, but to return, repeatedly, to "easily the most boring blog [you] can ever remember reading," for the sole purpose of antagonizing me and continuing to put down someone you've never even met before. Who, by the way, though you may not find it to your liking, is actually doing something constructive.

So, keep visiting if you like, keep commenting as well. My site is a democracy. I don't delete comments; I just let them sit there as a testament to a person so pathetic that they keep coming back to something they dislike simply because they, apparently, have nothing else to do. If cruising my blog over and over again to criticize me is something you feel the need to do, well, buddy, obviously you need this blog more than most of my readers. I hope it makes you feel better about yourself. Instead of wondering "why so many people spend time putting blogs like this together," maybe you should wonder why it bothers you so much that they do.

6:19 PM  
Anonymous Ernie said...

I am here to say that this blog rules!

Nothing says 'excellent blog' like a good throw down in the comments section. Haha.

9:50 AM  
Blogger MattySox said...

Thanks, Big Ern McCracken...

8:20 AM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

Gary Thorne:

Once Mets Broadcast Colleague of Tim Mc Carver on Mets Broadcasts;

'Nuff Said!

10:47 AM  
Blogger Jere said...

JoeTorreontheRag person:

This blog IS

Funny: "Dempsey: 'So, Julio, what do you say to a woman with two black eyes?' Lugo: 'Two black guys? What, is this a racist joke?'"

Informative: "Watching [Wily Mo] play the outfield is like watching an epileptic hamster off his meds and on the bottle try to navigate a butter-slicked running wheel that's been set on fire." Telling this to someone who's been out in the dessert with no TV and wondering what this Wily Mo guy is all about gives them the exact image of Wily Mo's defense.

Unique: The idea of retiring Roger's number so no one else will have to be associated with its evil powers.

Clever: Just look at the title of the blog.

I got this from, like, the last two posts.

Of all the shitty, rude comments I've gotten on my blog, in three years, I've never gotten one as mean-spirited as yours here.

I do absolutely love the fact that you're sitting there thinking, "What should I do today? I know, I'll go to that blog that I hate so much." And you repeatedly waste your own time. Almost like putting yourself in prison. I picture Matty holding your hands, whacking you in the face with them, and saying "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself." The fact that he's been able to do this to a reader is the ultimate win.

You can't stop coming here. You love this blog and you know it.

11:25 PM  
Blogger MattySox said...

Jere, you brought me into this blogging world, and goddamn if you didn't just make me really glad. You just won the Nicest Comment Ever Award, the prize for which is a sleeve of coasters that I'll never send you. But I really appreciate the sentiments. Rock solid, dude. Thanks.

2:42 AM  
Anonymous Muse said...

Love the mental image of the "Stop hitting yourself" remark! Thanks for that laugh.

6:48 PM  
Blogger Jere said...


no problem.

You know I just had to put my water glass down on the coffee table with only a paper towel under it??

1:04 PM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

Grand News:

I now have a Gregorian Chant Version of "Yankees Suck";

It worked like a prayer when Julian Tarvarez pitched.

9:08 AM  

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