Monday, April 02, 2007

If You're Keeping Score at Home...

For the 2007 season, I'm unveiling a new ratings system upon which each Red Sox game will be judged: The Big Matty's and The Big Ry's. Let me explain:

This is a Big Matty
This is a Big Ry

Pretty easy to tell which is good and which is bad, right? So, wins will be judged on a scale of 1-5 Big Matty's and losses on a scale of 1-5 Big Ry's. Because I'm a winner, and Ryan's a loser. That's the basis of the scales. Of course, there will be Half Matty's and Half Ry's given out as needed, and they can sometimes mix. For instance, say the Red Sox won Game 7 of the World Series, but Youkilis suffers a career-ending burn by getting doused with flaming hot nacho cheese while diving into the stands for a pop foul, then that game might get five Big Matty's and two Big Ry's. Get it? Good.

As for the season opener against Kansas City today, I award it.....


3 1/2 Big Ry's

This was Opening Day. The Red Sox shit the bed. Schilling was pounded. Rookies were lacing him like a shoe. Okajima gave up a titanic dong on his first Major League pitch. I was only going to give it 3 Ry's, but once you factor in Lugo's 3 K's, the fact that Tek looked really feeble, Pedroia's baserunning, and, ahem, Hanley Ramirez going about 19-19 with 20 runs scored in DC, well, I added the extra 1/2 Ry. Could've given it four, but don't want to skew the scale. After all, Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS would have been a full 5 Ry's. So, not time to "straight panic" as ol' Schill would say, but not an auspicious beginning. We looked kind of old and slow. Hopefully, things will pick up. Because if we play like we did today regularly, then oh man, we're gonna run out of Ry's.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Ry said...

Ry gives this post 6 Ry's...mainly because Matty is worth 3 Ry's on his own....AND he took 5 hours to drive from Philly back home which is only a 2 hour drive...which is another 3 Ry's right there...

9:41 PM  
Blogger MattySox said...

Ok. First of all, the scale only goes to 5 Ry's. Second of all, you're not authorized to just start pitching Ry's around the old ballyard like it was your idea or something. Third of all, it didn't take us 5 hours, it took just over three, and that was because of massive traffic and you telling me "go for it" as to staying on 295 and not getting off the highway. Fourth of all, if your girlfriend had called sooner with a pretty apropos traffic update, we would've known what to do. So A** gets 3 Big Ry's, too. You are a completely Ry-laden couple. You will sink beneath the suffocating weight of your own Ry-ness. I can't save you now. Wanna go see the Sox in Baltimore in April?

6:37 AM  
Blogger Peter N said...

Out loud laugh....keep this up for 162 plus games and there's an award out there, somewhere, for you! Haha. So funny!!!

7:43 AM  
Anonymous Ernie said...

Holy crap on a chop-stick did that blow. Not a good game. I take solace in the fact that most of the time the Sox seem to lose the opening day game. Next...

11:28 AM  
Anonymous ry said...

Alright...I'll give you the 3 Big Ry's for A**...damnit she had it coming...but see I am 3 Matty's+ stubborn so no way I will fall under my own ryness..and to think otherwise is just foolish. When's the O's game?

4:34 PM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

Flatter than a warm 'Gansett Beer

5:47 PM  

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