Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Schilling's Fat Ass, Wally and a Closer

It was either on ESPN.com or in the Washington Post yesterday, but ol' Kevin Millar was interviewed regarding the Sox-O's game on Sunday, and his relationship with the Sox since being traded, etc. Pretty standard Millar questions...anyway, he mentioned that he still likes to joke around with the old crew and he told the reporter that upon taking the field for BP on Sunday, "I went over to Schill and said, 'Looks like you ate your second baseman!' I went over and looked real close, but I couldn't find Dustin (Pedroia) in there!" Which once again proves two theories of mine:

1. Schilling, despite what he's telling everyone, is, in fact, fat. Maybe he's slimming down, but for now he's typically 40-year-old man fat, and

2. Millar will be missed in this house for as long as my old Sox jersey lacks the buttons I popped off it when he failed to drive in any runs in the 4th inning of game 2 of the '04 ALCS. They should've just scrapped Wally and made Millar the mascot when he became dispensable, you know, as a player.

Speaking of Wally, if any of you out there have kids, I highly recommend you pick up Remy's kids book, "Hello Wally!" My daughter loves it. It's an ideal first step in the brainwashing process of a two-year-old to turn them into the sort of sick and twisted, fanatical losers that the rest of us are. I know we're supposed to want a better life for the next generation, but how's that fair to us? Also, it's good to pair the book up with a Remy-signed Wally doll and adirondack chair- but make sure you put that up on a shelf your kid has no prayer of reaching till high school, when they won't care a thing about you or anything you like anyway. That will teach them that what they want is usually out of their reach, a good lesson for Sox fans, or anyone really. My wife wants to blame me for my 2-year-old daughter's obsession with baseball, and her ability to recognize both the Sox "B" and the two Sox logo at a distance, but I just think she's really smart. Plus, it doesn't hurt that I've taught her to say, "Go Pats!" and "Bad, bad Steelers!"

As for the Sox themselves, the rumor that Theo has his eye on Brad Lidge is pretty awful. Haven't we been down this road before with the tortured, post-season-failure-turned-closer-for-us experiment? I'm thinking of a short, obscene-gesture-throwing Korean guy...yeah, that sounds familiar. So let's get Lidge, just in case we play the Cards in the Series again, so that he can face Pujols again. Great plan as usual, Theo. Who are you bringing in to bolster the set-up crew, Ralph Branca and Mitch Williams?

We have a closer already, dammit, he wears number 58 last time I checked. Jesus, this isn't rocket science. Mark my words, our illustrious starting rotation (who've actually looked really good, you know, considering two guys are 40ish, one's never pitched in this country, one's a complete over-rated head case, and one should be a closer) will set a new record for most no-decisions in a season. I'm picturing a starting five all finishing the season at 10-6, 11-7ish with ERAs around 3.50, with lots of strikeouts and a bullpen with an ERA around 6, with about eight holds and 19 blown saves. Remember, after the all-star break last year, Schilling had like six or seven no-decisions in a row, and that was with a reliable closer. (It should be noted that Phil Garner of the 'Stros says Lidge is not available, which in baseball speak means, "We'd trade him for Craig Hansen and whatever part of Pedroia Schilling hasn't digested yet.")

I threw up in my mouth a little when an "inside source" told the Globe that the Sox aren't really interested in Chad Cordero (who the Nats would happily give up for prospects because the new "cheap" plan to demolish RFK Stadium is for the pitchers to give up so many home runs that the deep flys actually knock down most of the outfield stands and walls) because of his "heart attack saves." While I agree that Cordero does save a lot of his games in the mold of a young Lee Smith (come in with a three run lead, the bases loaded and nobody out, walk in two runs then strike out the side) his "heart attack saves" would surely be preferable to the "complete and total heart failure" versions we're likely to get from the current crop of candidates.

Fortunately, I've come up with a plan that will allow Red Sox fans to make it through this season without everyday resembling a 2003-Opening-Day-Chad-Fox-ian nightmare... Just turn every game off after the seventh inning and don't watch TV, read the papers or talk to anyone who isn't on the "Seven Inning Plan." If you do this, I guarantee you the Sox will go 109-53 and secure home field throughout by the first week of September. And really, that's something we'd all like to see, isn't it? So this season, while everyone is stretching in the seventh, I'll be stretching for my remote to turn off another Sox win. Oh, wait; no, I won't, because I don't have DirectTV. Jesus, MLB, this isn't rocket science.


Blogger Peter N said...

So true!!!! I though you retired. And the news keeps getting worse for the Sox 'pen. I am so needlessly afraid of the whole situation. This will be the difference between a third place finish and, dare I say, a first place in the AL East. Dead honest here. Ruin is near...avoidable, too.

9:19 AM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

You're Alive!

WB, Matt!

11:46 AM  

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