Monday, February 05, 2007

Wake Me When It's Over

Congratulations to the Colts. You won, arguably, the most boring Super Bowl I've ever seen over one of the most undeserving, overrated, hapless and bumbling opponents ever. Yay. Everyone throw a monkey off your back. Oh happy day.

The biggest question I have: If it was $2.6 million to air a 30-second ad, how much exactly did Lunesta pay the NFL to turn its marquis event into a three-and-a-half-hour televised version of one of their pills?

No, actually, the biggest question I have is this: How in the hell did the Bears ever get to this game?

Is the NFC really that bad? I mean, I watch the Redskins all season, so my view on the NFC isn't exactly rosy, but seriously...how in the hell was this team 15-3 coming into this game? That was one of the worst-tackling, most poorly executed, super-soft, meek and timid defenses I have ever seen. The Colts are the soft ones! Have been for years. Now all of a sudden they look like tough guys? Brian Urlacher must once and for all go down as one of the most overrated defensive players of this generation- he looked confused and weak from start to finish. I'm not gonna lay this game at the trembling, slippery and amateurish feet of Rex Grossman, either, despite the fact that his ineptness is matched only by his comical look of being overwhelmed in almost any situation. Even if Rex had thrown for 300 yards and no interceptions, the Bears defense was rendered clueless and heartless in what has to be the last 60 minutes in which that team is ever again, for as long as oxygen is breathed on this earth, compared to the Bears team which so thoroughly whipped the Pats' asses in the days of yore. If you made it through that sentence, congratulations. The Bears, upon reading it, would have misread the subject, tripped over the verb, let the prepositions slip through their hands and the direct object get behind the two-deep safety.

I'm not going to do the Boston Globe thing, and say, "Man, if the Pats could have made just ONE stop in Indy, we could've crushed the Bears..." Obviously, that goes without saying. I hope last night was a wake-up call to the Pats' front office. The Super Bowl last year, this year and probably next year is yours for the taking! If you can put together a team that can just make the Super Bowl, you're already most of the way there to winning it. The NFC is embarrassing! On a sloppy night, the Colts did enough to win. I got the impression they could have done more. After the touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne, the Colts hardly threw the ball downfield. Didn't need to. Wasn't gonna be necessary as long as throwing the ball six yards into the flat would result in three missed Bears tackles and a gain of 18 yards.

As the saying goes, I had no dog in that fight, but that fact did not stop me from once, just once, firing my Sox cap at the tv in disgust after Grossman's second fourth-quarter pick. I was mad the Colts were gonna win. I was mad the Pats weren't even there. But mostly, I was mad that the Bears didn't even seem to respect the opportunity they were given. After the New Year's Eve loss, Grossman said his head wasn't in that game, that he wasn't prepared, what with it being New Year's Eve and all. Well, I just looked at a calender, and for the life of me, I can't figure out what the hell holiday the Bears thought yesterday was.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Making Poor Kids Cry Since 1976

One of the things I always wondered about come time for some sort of championship game was how they had the t-shirts and hats all ready for the winning team. Did they know who was gonna win? Was everything fixed? Or, as I found out as a teenager (and this sort of killed the excitement for me), they just make up the stuff for both teams so they're ready either way. So I sat on that knowledge for a few years till one day it occurred to me (ok, it was like 3 days ago), "What in the hell do they do with the loser's hats and t-shirts?"

I guess I always just assumed they threw the stuff out. But, and I'm sure I'm awfully late to this party, I found out that apparently what they do is send all the loser stuff to third world countries to help clothe the needy. Which, I think, is a great idea, a nice use of resources and a terrible way to prepare the people of those countries to ever appear on "Stump the Schwab," or some other such sports trivia type thingy.

Stuart Scott: "...finally homies, let's get busy meeting our third playa...all the way from Bangladesh, gimme a big Stump the Schwab boo-yah for Kamal! Kamal, this question is for you...who won Super Bowl XL?"

Kamal: "Ooh ooh, I know this one...this team is very popular back home in Bangladesh...it was the Seattle Seahawks!"

Stuart: "Oh, sorry dog, that is in-correct. Schwab, who was it?"

Schwab: "It was the Pittsburgh Steelers who beat the Seahawks."

Stuart: "That's why he's the man, ladies and gentlem...yo, Kamal, you got a question, dog?"

Kamal: "Um, yes. I'm pretty sure that Seattle is the correct answer. I am almost certainly very positive about this."

Stuart: "You better check ya-self, kid, the answer is the Steelers."

Kamal: "No, no, it is you who is to be checking himself, Mr. Boo-Yah; I know it is the Seahawks. I have a t-shirt back home that clearly states in no uncertain terms that the Seattle Seahawks were the champions of Super Bowl XL..."

Stuart: "Ok, how can I explain this to you..."

So, I guess my point about all this is that one day I hope to travel to the Sudan and have the opportunity to break some poor, malnourished kid's heart by explaining to him that it was indeed the Chicago Bears, and not the Indianapolis Colts that were the champions of Super Bowl XLI. While I'm there, though, I'm totally gonna get a New England Patriots 2006 AFC Champions sweatshirt...that'd be super sweet.