Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I've Got Next!

In the last two days, James Brown and Gerald Ford have died. What did they have in common? As my wife reminded me, they were both featured in classic SNL sketches: James Brown's Hot Tub Party and Chevy Chase's bumbling Ford skits. So I ask you now- who's next? What famous, and famously parodied, celebrity goes next? Because as always, people die in threes...

Here's my list, in order of probability to kick it*:

1. John McLaughlin- One of my fave Carvey creations. Fifteen years later, I'm still saying, "Wrong! You had Special K...with ba-na-na..." A great one to laugh at with Chris Leavens and Jeff Compton.

2. Ed McMahon (my wife's first choice)- The first of my Hartman characters I'm predicting will go...even better when he was McMahon on Carsenio...

3. Archbishop Desmond Tutu- this would give Eddie Murphy a two-fer; is it time to weld Doug Flutie's Heisman back together on the big sports talk show in the sky?

4. Mindy Cohn- as famously played by Farley during the America's Most Wanted: Child Stars sketch as a sociopathic glutton. I always thought Farley based his fat-girl Gap character on Mindy as well- "GET OFF MY BACK, I'M STARVING!!!"

5. Phil Donahue- I'm not sure why, he's sort of my wildcard...he hasn't done anything in ages; seems like he'd want to get back in the spotlight...another classic Hartman character, who sort of went hand in hand with Jan Hooks' Sally Jesse Rafael skit...who knows, maybe Phil and Sally will be on a plane together and...

There's lots of other really good guesses out there, I'm sure, but these are definitely my top 5.

*Of course it goes without saying that if any of these people actually die, I am in no way responsible nor is it to be understood that I will write a follow up post in the "I told you so" style, nor is to be imagined that I will revel in some sort of schaedenfraudistic, self-congratulatory, "I'm so clairvoyant" state, although I probably will...

Monday, December 25, 2006

The Ol' Holiday Wishes

To all of you out there who stop by here once in awhile, hopefully for a laugh or a good idea, I wish you the Merriest F-ing Christmas you can possibly have...I also wish the Pats had just one more good receiver...and that my family and friends stay healthy...and that for some reason Trot comes back...and that the gyroball really does exist...but mostly, I just wish for all of us to have a relaxing day today with those who make us smile...Merry Christmas, everybody...

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Laces Out, Dan (This is for you Kim...)

An on-the-spot field report from loyal SBF reader Kimmy revealed that the only chants Dolphins fans could muster at AmateurPlayer Stadium last Sunday during the Pats-Fins game were the following:

"Pahk ya cah!"

Really lousy, Miami. No bandwagon in Miami, right. That's why last Saturday you could go on Ebay and get great lower level seats on buy now for less than face value. You know, because so many South Floridians are clamoring to go see their lifeless, sucktacular, orange and teal clad losers play. I guess all those fans selling their tickets for less than they paid for them are sitting at home waiting for the return of Bob "Rex is still starting ahead of my loser fall down the stairs drunk after tripping over his dog son?" Griese and Larry "Is my mustache still crooked?" Czonka to return. You know, since that was the last time the Dolphins won a Super Bowl. You know, before I was born...

So keep popping those champagne corks when someone doesn't go undefeated, Miami. Make sure it's pointed right up your loser asses when you do it though. Although, on second thought, open one at your stadium during a game. Chances are you'll hit a fan of the opposing team. You know, the "bandwagon" fans who traveled to yay-yo central after buying their tickets really cheap from you...

Monday, December 04, 2006

An Open Letter To Those Who Will Determine the Success of My Very First Red Sox Season

Dear Theo & co.

In the day and a half I've been alive, it's come to my attention that in the last couple years some of your decisions have been, as my dad would say, "Jesus! You have got to be kidding me..."

Thankfully, I was born just before the 2006 winter meetings started, so I'm here to give you the following five pieces of advice:

1. If you're gonna give four years/$40mil to another shortstop, can you please make sure he's more emotionally mature than I am?

2. J.D. stands for Just Don't.

3. Under no circumstances is Dougie allowed back in the building. Just let it go.

4. Under no circumstances can you not at least ask the Padres about getting Dave Roberts back; you owe my dad at least that.

5. When you trade Manny, do us all a favor and hide Willy Mo in his luggage, ok?

Thanks, your newest fan,


Saturday, December 02, 2006

Hey Baby...What's Goin' On?

He's here. Gareth Eamon Fanning joined Red Sox Nation at 7:16 this evening. He's 20" long and 7lbs 12 1/2ozs, with Patriot blue eyes and a little brown hair. There is no truth to the rumors that Lucchino posted $25million dollars to talk to me about his future. Yet.

Here We Go Again...

The water has broken. We are T-minus, I don't know, something, for new baby...will keep everyone posted as time allows. No word yet on changing our planned baby boy name to Trotman...probably won't happen...

The Greatest Thing I've Ever Seen