Monday, September 18, 2006

80% of New York Sucks

Five chances to win and what happens? Yankees lose, Mets lose, Jets lose, Yankees lose again. What a great day. If the Eagles hadn't been plagued by "Donovan McNabb Signature Throw the Ball Into The Ground Action- New and Improved!" then the Giants should have lost, too, and the day would have been perfect.

My friend Kim was texting me reports direct from the Scummolands, letting me know that, "Don't worry, Matty, Jets fans are still the biggest assholes out there, worse than Yankee fans," which is a theory I've held true for years. Jets fans are like Yankees fans except they're blue collar and care about their team. But the assholeness is pure Dunbar. If I ever see Fireman John or whatever that douchebag's name is on the street, I swear I am swerving my car. J....E....T....S....Suck! Suck! Suck! Apparently the Jets fanboys were screaming at every Pats fan/female type person to, "Show us your tits!" Typical. It's Jets fans' way of suppressing their Oedipal complexes and dealing with the fact that Momma gave the last meatball to Daddy instead of them. I was thinking for a fleeting second about driving up to East Suckerford for the game, but I'm glad I didn't. I've got enough stress in my life; I don't need to get into fights with monosyllabic wannabe toughguys from Joisey, whose greatest accomplishment in life is to spell a four-letter word, one letter at a time, and then get 79,000 other monosyllabic wannabe toughguys to actually pronounce said four-letter word correctly. Wow. Your New Jersey public skool sytem everybody. Anyway, that's seven in a row for the Pats v. the Sucks, and I don't see that streak stopping anytime soon...so, if you're a Jets fan, and you stumbled across this site by accident, please hit your back button, return to the New Jersey State Correctional Institutions homepage, where you were trying to find out if it's ok to bring stuffed shells with you when you go visit your extended family in prison, and go fuck yourselves.

As for the Sox, two inspired little bits of come-backery there. Thank you for not laying down. Now the Yankees can clinch in Canada, and we all know that, techinically, that doesn't count, because, you know, it's in Canada and all. They should have to clinch again when they come back across the border. It's like rich kids of yuppy parents who spend a semester abroad in Prague before they turn 21, drink the whole time they're there because it's legal, but then have to throw a huge 21st birthday party because now they can legally drink!!! Or something like that. Anyway, who cares? I almost wanna finish third at this point, just so we're not "second to the Yankees for the ninth year in a row." Better yet, keep winning Toronto, because then the Yankees will have to clinch in Tampa Bay, which may just be worse than Canada. I don't know, I've never been to Tampa, but man, it sounds bad.

I'm still not sold on Eli Manning. That's all I have to say about that, because it's the NFC.

The Mets are getting a pass, because of my friends here who are Mets fans. I don't really care about the Mets, except for the whole '86 thing, but they haven't bothered me lately. I'd just worry about a team's ability to win the big game when it's taken them like a week, and they still haven't clinched. Behooves them to remember they won't be trying to clinch the Series vs. Zack Duke and the Bucs...

I'm off from work today, which is unbelievably weird, since I'm usually off Tuesdays. I can't remember the last time I watched Monday Night Football at home. Plus it's the Stillers tonight, so I can watch My Wife freak out and gnash her teeth, and yell her own particular brand of profanely creative venom at "Jerksonville" and the refs and whoever else pisses her off. There is nothing like a rabid, pregnant Stillers fan. I am planning to get smacked with her Terrible Towel a few times for comedically reminding her that Joey Porter still has schrapnel in his ass, or that Polamalu used to spoon, I mean room, with Carson Palmer at USC. And if Big Dumb Ben is playing, I might as well sit in a different room. I just can't not make fun of that guy. Which I really shouldn't. You know, because he's "special." (I love you honey, I just hate your team!)

12 Comments:

Blogger Peter N said...

The Papi watch starts tomorrow, for 72 hours. The place/ Fenway Pahk. If he does it at home, the place will go nuts. As will I....a moment of a lifetime. Go Papi...have a great day off. It's Monday.....

10:20 AM  
Blogger The Omnipotent Q said...

A lot of Jets fans are Yankees fans, but in my experience as a native New Yorker, trust me on this: YANKEE fans are worse.

10:47 AM  
Blogger MattySox said...

I dunno, I've encountered quite a few of both in my day...not on the everyday firsthand basis, but I think Jets fans are worse...I think your average Jet fan is a lot more committed to his team than your average Yankee fan, which makes them crazier and more obnoxious. Jets fans don't have the pomposity or arrogance of Yankee fans thats bred from a winning history; Jets fans (to be fair, like many Pats fans) are crazy, drunken louts. Yankees fans will pick a fight cuz you like the Sox; Jets fans will pick a fight just to pick the fight. Also, you have to speak much more slowly to Jets fans...

11:24 AM  
Blogger FINY said...

As a female fan who has walked into both The Meadowlands and Yankee Stadium wearing the opposing team's logos, in my experience, Jets fans are worse. Though neither are what you'd call creative with the insults.

11:42 AM  
Blogger MattySox said...

Exactly echoes what my friend Kim said...

11:53 AM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

In The Swamps of NJ:

Yankees Fans hold sway @ Jets Games, these days & are as obnoxious as they are in The South of The Bronx;

"PukeBarf", to quote from "The Jere";

There ain't no "There", there.

1:31 PM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

The Character of Jets Fans, changed in The Swamps:

The Queens-Long Island Jets Fans, who oft-rooted for the Mets are being replaced by those "Humanoid Arrivistas", who pollute "The Toilet", in The Bronx & bring their Idiocy with them.

1:34 PM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

It's "Fireman Ed":

BTW, he was @ Ground Zero & is an FDNY Fireman & know his Brother, Mike, A Sanitation Man, in Queens.

1:39 PM  
Blogger MattySox said...

I'm not taking away from the guy as a firman, just as "The Fireman," know what I mean? You guys know I wish no real, lasting physical harm to anyone...jeez, Debbie Downer...

2:00 PM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

The Correction has been added on my blog.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

The Bleacher Cretins in The Bronx, well a # have Jets Season Tickets, hence "The Grand Moron Factor":

Imus mocks them, yet Meadowlands Security rates Giants Fans as far worse in the Violence Department.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

A # also sit in Tier Reserved in Yankee Stadium, which is "Bleachers with Brewskis":

& Femme Fans are really Tourists up there.

12:55 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home