Saturday, September 09, 2006

5 Sporting Reasons to Kill Yourself This Weekend

5. Penn St. vs Notre Dame. Pretty much the two college football teams I hate above all others. This is the reason ties were invented. Unfortunately, they don't have them in college football anymore. I think it was Eric Wilbur who said something like, you either love or hate Notre Dame. And if you're ambivalent, spend ten minutes with an Irish fan and you'll hate Notre Dame. So true. Although I still love "Rudy." Weird. And Joe Paterno is my fifth cousin- true story. But I still hate Happy Valley and that stupid "God is a PSU fan; otherwise, why's the sky blue and white?" Go fuck yourselves, both of you. Remember the "Catholics vs. Convicts" Miami-ND rivalry? Go convicts...

4. Maria Sharapova's Nike commercials. And tennis in general. And the fact that you can't sleep with Maria. But basically, tennis. Man, is that a boring "sport." I guess I just don't get it. Adding to WelshSoxFan's rip-off of Bill Simmon's ways to improve sports, here's my rule. You must immediately cease calling anything a sport that involves a forced quieting down of the crowd prior to action. I'm looking at you tennis and golf...can you imagine if everyone in Fenway had to shut up before Rivera pitched to Papi? Fucking ridiculous...let's see how great Tiger is with a gallery full of people chanting, "overrated" as he lines up an 18th-hole putt at Augusta on Sunday. Also, if you break for tea, you're not a sport either, cricket. Don't think I didn't know about that...

3. It's Redskins overhype time!!! That glorious time of the year when the entire DC-metro area drinks the kool-aid and convinces themselves that anything owned by Dan Snyder will ever amount to anything. Oh yeah!!! Joe Gibbs won three SuperBowls with three different quarterbacks, but none of them were Mark Brunell. I've been down here long enough, that I guess the 'Skins are my NFC team (although the NFC is the equivalent of the National League- completely irrelevent and quad-A in quality), but I don't buy into the nervous frenzy that cripples this area during football season. Dan Snyder sucks, and the Redskins go 8-8. Heard it hear first. Meaning the 8-8 part. Everyone knows Snyder's a douchebag.

2. Your balcony is surrounded by trees and you can't get DirecTV, meaning that tomorrow at 1PM, instead of watching the Pats-Bills game, you're stuck with the fucking ass-bad Ravens, cause that's your "local" AFC team. Bullshit. However, it's always funny to see Steve McNair with a helmet on. Look closely. His eyes look just like Wicket the Ewok from Return of the Jedi. I'm serious about this...

1. "The Manning Bowl." The whole NFL can go to hell. This is the most contrived thing I have ever seen. It's like the NFL suddenly realized what all of us already know- no team led by a Manning will ever go to the Superbowl, meaning that without the league's intervention, there was no way these two idiots would ever play each other. That family sucks; all five of them. I'm looking at you, Archie and Olivia, and Peyton and Eli and you, too, dumb looking younger guy hanging around in the shadows of your choking dog family. First-time blow jobbers don't choke as bad as the "superstars" in this family. They've never won anything and they never will. They suck. Speaking of resemblences...I've said this for years. Timm-ay from South Park's head was modeled on Peyton's. Seriously. Same forehead, same hair, same chin. I'm telling'll thank me later.

If you've made it through all that unscathed, just remember that Julian Tavarez is now a regular starting pitcher for us...yup, that should finish off the rest of you...have a nice weekend, kids...Go Pats!!!


Blogger Michael Leggett said...

"Pukebarf"(Thanks, Jere), is all I can say for "The Manning Bowl":

More "Pukebarf" for Mike Timlin, WHO MUST RETIRE.

11:14 AM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

The USTA Tennis Center is located by Shea Stadium:

Tennis Fans(Read "Yankees Arrivistas In Queens")act like their space is invaded by Mets Fans;

They're Sooooo snobby that I felt like puking outside of Shea, last Night.

11:20 AM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

& NBC Sports Notre Dame Halftime Show had a "Human Interest Profile":

Unfortunately, it was done to promote "The Manning Bowl";


7:54 AM  
Anonymous Muse said...

the manning love fest makes me wanna puke.

You know my theory on the whole suck-skins and the snyder...

8:26 AM  
Blogger Peter N said...

Julia is our stopper! AAAHHHHHHH.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Peter N said...

And after watching/listening Sharapova grunt her way to the championship, deservedly so, I'd think twice about her in my bed. But then...earplugs maybe??

8:37 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

tavarez pitched well, for the second start in a row. so despite the overwhelming urge to hang oneself upon hearing his name, he has actually been decent at starting.
and the pats did well. they didn't plow down the bills like i expected, but a win is a win, even if it is only a result of a safety. sucks that you can't get the games though.

7:26 PM  
Blogger MattySox said...

Yeah, Julia pitched well again, I admit. He's just so easy to pick on...

8:21 AM  

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